Maria - Chapter Seven: The Luxury of Choice

This is the third time I am trying to write this blog post and I have to admit that since the beginning, it is the first time that I find it so difficult. I’ll give it a third try now and if not, I will change the subject. I’ll write for something different, who knows, maybe this thought is too difficult for me to put down in words. But let’s try first, for the last time.

So, I will start from something that I shared with you two months ago and it is the fact that I started looking for a job. And I am here now, two months later, to inform you that I had officially no luck. Nothing. I didn’t find anything. And so, some weeks ago, I started creating in my mind the scenario of “failure”. The one that in September I am finished with my master’s, with no UK accommodation, no more money from my scholarship, no job and so forced to go back home, to my hometown and to my country that unemployment is the most common thing and that some years ago, got almost kicked out of Europe. This will be my reality if I won’t find a job here.

I am here today to share with you two things. The first one has to do with acceptance and it is the fact that I really confronted this imaginary scenario on my mind. I really, subconsciously created all the small details, I imagined me, in my hometown, in my country, in September, in October, in Christmas, looking for a job or working with my parents, or working somewhere different, living at my parent’s house or alone, seeing my school friends and talking to my master’s friends via skype. I tried to make an image of this “failure” scenario in my mind and live a bit in it, realizing at the same time that this is just a thought and not the reality. And I asked myself, what is the worst thing that may happen? And you know what? I didn’t find anything bad in it. It was a scenario that I just needed my time to accept. And to confront. And actually now, I really like the idea of the “failure” scenario. I don’t consider it as a failure anymore.

So, the first thing that I would like to share with you is that, I became more relieved and relaxed when I realized that sometimes in life, there is no bad or good scenario, failure or success. And I will sound very melodramatic if I say that everything happens for a reason, but that is more or less what happened to me during these two months that I am in the middle of this cynical procedure of finding a job. Now, I am not worried about anything. If I find a job I will be happy and if I don’t, I will be happy again. I just gave myself sometime to accept the idea of this new, possible reality that maybe, at the first place, was not ideal. And it worked. My hometown can be an adventure as well. Because I am the only one who makes the adventures. Neither the places or the jobs.

The second thing that I would like to share with you is connected with the first and it has to do with this exactly the existence of the scenarios. “What if I stay here in Edinburgh next year? What if I find a job here? But what if I go in London, to explore a bigger city? Or what if I start a PHD? Or go back? Or travel? Or just leave everything and become a movie star?”.

When I graduated from my undergrad, I actually believed that I could do one, two, maximum three different types of job. Now, it seems like my options are endless. And this is actually the real reason why now I cannot decide what to do next. Because, thanks to the possible “failure” scenario I discovered that there is not only one option that can make me happy in life. Finding a job in a graduate scheme, as an engineer, in the UK, in a big company does not look like the only interesting option anymore and I consider myself lucky for discovering it. Now, every possible scenario is a blessing.

The second thing that I want to share with you today has to do also with gratitude and I am really happy that I can write about that here. Last year, when I took my bachelor’s diploma I thought that I could be one, two, maximum three different things in my professional life. Now I think that I can be anything. And I am really grateful that this program took me out of my hometown, of my country and added to my future ten or twenty, or thirty more pathways that I could follow. I am really grateful that now I actually have choices about my future. And now, at the end of the day, I am happy that I am currently lost. It means that I have the opportunity of choice. Choices about my carrier and my life that I could neven imagine that existed when I graduated last year.

So, I will welcome any possible scenario that may come to my life the next months and I will never put a name like “failure” in any scenarios again. And I really want to thank all the beautiful friends, teachers, neighbors, all the beautiful people that shared with me this amazing year and brighten my life. Thank you!

PS. And I won’t leave the movie-star scenario out. After all the Avengers were filmed just two roads away from my house!

Sign with arrows pointing both ways in the middle of the desert
Who knows which way I'll go?!